Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
meanwhile over on facebook
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.