My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room