if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
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“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
12653.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
When you’ve simply given up.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
im 7 sauces long
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?