I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
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Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
no regrets
Where’s my employee discount too?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
#JohnTravolta
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”