I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
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I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
same vibe as tangled headphones
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I can’t stop watching this.
All. The. Damn. Time.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.