I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
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I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Batman v Dracula
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening