*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
The three genders.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation