Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
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I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.