Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.