Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
You Might Also Like
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My Guy
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.