Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
you stereotypes are all alike
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.