I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it