I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
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Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.