her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?