My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
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Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I love the National Park Service.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.