Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
uncle dave has been through hell
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.