Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
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*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”