i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*