Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.