[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses