The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?