if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
how high up are we talkin’?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,