[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
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My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Pretty much. 🤣
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.