the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
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My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
The French cow says MEUX…
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school