Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
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Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Support your local cemetery
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.