My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
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2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Always leave them wanting their money back.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International