You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
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I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Terribly Tuesday.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.