New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
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[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.