In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.