Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
6: are snakes just neck?
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore