Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
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wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
my name if I was in the mob
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’