time for some seasonal decor
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I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
favorite tropes as memes
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”