“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
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DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.