Happy weekend !
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Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.