The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
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I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
🙂🙃🥹
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.