I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?