interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I know this now 😂
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml