So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
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I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.