Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
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Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
💁🏻♂️
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?