Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
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WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
wow he looks just like him
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.