My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought