boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.