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My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.