WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
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Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you