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Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Elton John: Mars ain鈥檛 the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it鈥檚 cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i鈥檓 late. what did i miss?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I鈥檝e been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 馃檪
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 馃檨
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let鈥檚 see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.