Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
You Might Also Like
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy