Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
The cashier just checked me out.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.