There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
A ghost story
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.