My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…