My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I have questions??
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
A drum solo but on your face.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently